The Brexit Diet

I seem to have gained a few unwanted pounds around my middle. Indeed, whilst I’ve had ‘a bit of a belly’ before, I’ve not had one that is quite so pronounced as my current belly. When I squat down, I can feel it squish up. And because I’m otherwise so lean, I now have a very odd looking profile. I could joke that I’m just a tin of black boot polish away from a starring role on the poster of Bob Geldof’s next charity poster.

I won’t though, because that would be a bit racist and a tad tasteless too. And it could come back to bite me if ever I run for high office. But most of all, because donning blackface must make an awful mess and take an age to get off. Even if I were a little bit racist, I’m not sure I could show that sort of dedication. But still, my non-joke has put an image in your mind, and its not far off reality.

There’s a million diets out there to choose from, but I’m going for Britain’s number one diet for 2021 – the Brexit Diet, with a sprinkling of Pingdemic seasoning for good measure. We might well have food shortages that are entirely of our own making, but are we going to let that get us down? No sireee. Tonight we shall dine on my famous Fried Turnip Pancakes with a side serving of grass cuttings with a drizzle of whatever dog was walked through the park this morning.

Tomorrow, our European cousins will be seating themselves in fancy Michelin starred restaurants. But do you even know what good food is until you’ve nibbled on a spot of Michelin Squirrel? Presentation is key, so you must be able to see the tyre prints in the meat. And for dessert? Boris promised that we could have our cake and eat it, so I’m sure it will materialize any moment now. Any…moment…now…

Buen provecho!

The reality that is biting harder every day is one of farce ad tragedy. Brexit has been a disaster for British farmers, who cannot get the workers they need to pick crops, and whose exports to our biggest markets have plummeted. Our fishing industry has had it even worse. It’s working out pretty well for the EU though.


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